2/21/2007

"Sum Shit I Wrote" (Common [Sense], Resurrection)

Felt like cleaning out some ol' shit lying around my cellar; this one, a little doodle I wrote in the Fix before it even had a record shop, was actually what I spun up off a Craig's List ad to get me into SNR. And the rest is history. Of a sort.

And if you didn't know, OK Soda was this, and squagels were the subject of David Cross' ire, once.

Jed and James are sitting on beanbag chairs around a table with a very large water pipe on it, and a dinner bell. Jed is scribbling frantically in a notebook with a big Spongebob Squarepants sticker on it. They are clearly very, very high.

JAMES
Jed, it’s a bad idea.

JED
What d’you mean it’s a bad idea?

JAMES
Who’s going to buy a greeting card that says, “Sorry you died”?

JED
Wrong question, man, wrong question. The question is, who isn’t going to buy a “Sorry you died” card. Death is, like, a part of life, man. The end part. Everyone loses loved ones, no one wants to go to funerals, but oh, what can they do about it? (James doesn’t respond) I’m asking you, what can they do?

JAMES
What can they do.

JED
(quickly, thrusting a “Eureka!” finger) They can send a “Sorry you died” card. That’s what they can do, my friend. (with the pipe in his mouth, garbling his words) This is gonna be bigger than birthday cards, my man.

JAMES
How are people who are dead even going to receive “Sorry you died” cards? Jesus, you come up with some stupid ideas when you’re high, but this is worse than when you made me join your ukulele jam band.

JED
We were ahead of our time. Our followers are still catching up.

JAMES
Or the dancing doll of Robert Smith from The Cure?

JED
The Dancin’ James Brown people ripped me off, man.

JAMES
Or Orbitz.

JED
Look, man, it’s not my fault people weren’t ready for soda with little globules of gelatin floating around in it, alright? No one laughed at bubble tea, did they? Huh? (picking up the dinner bell and ringing it) Edmund!

Edmund, a butler, enters.

EDMUND
Yes, sir?

JED
Edmund, tell Sam to get off the phone with the people from Berlin and come down here, a-sap.

EDMUND
I believe he’s attempting to sell Germany on the Kung-Fu Dodgeball League, sir.

JED
Kung-Fu Dodgeball sells itself! Get him down here!

EDMUND
Yes, sir.

JED
Oh, and could you also bring us some squagels and a jar of jelly-jam? We’re quite hungry.

EDMUND
(slightly revolted) Square bagels and peanut butter and jelly in the same jar. Yes, sir.

JED
And maybe a couple cans of OK Soda?

EDMUND
Certainly.

Edmund leaves.

JAMES
Peanut butter and jelly doesn’t taste as good out of the same jar! And OK Soda tasted like flat orange soda!

JED
James, I apologize for not asking if you would prefer a Crystal Pepsi. I’m sorry.

JAMES
And square bagels? Of all the useless…

JED
Whose house is this? Whose pot were we smoking? Whose Electric Light Orchestra album were we listening to?

JAMES
(after a pause) Yours.

JED
That’s right. This is my house and if I offer you a snack of some of my finest inventions, you will say thank you. If this was your house, I would gladly eat all the foodstuffs you got mass-marketed.

Enter Edmund (with a tray of squagels, jelly-jam, and OK Soda) and Sam, a loud-talker in a sharp double-breasted suit.

SAM
Boss, I got good news! The Berlin Buddah Monks just became the 15th franchise in the World League of Kung-Fu Dodgeball!

JED
I see a rivalry with the Rotterdam Ronin!

SAM
Not to mention the Amsterdam Eagle Fist!

JED
(ripping a page from his notebook and handing him his OK Soda) Sam, have an OK Soda to celebrate, and then you get back up there and sell Hallmark on this. It’s a sure-fire sell.

SAM
(looks at the page) “Sorry you died” cards? You’ve done it again, sir! (downing the OK Soda) Ah, the taste of Generation X!

Sam leaves, Edmund enters.

EDMUND
Sir, a Mr. Dave Matthews is at the door. He is asking if your ukulele band wants to “jam” with him.

JED
Tell him I’ll be right there.

JAMES
(beside himself with anger, shaking his OK Soda) It’s…not…fair.

JED
Dude, take it easy. I’m angry OK Soda didn’t make it out of test-marketing either, man, but…que sera, y’know? Now is Uke Juke gonna play with Dave Matthews or what?

JAMES
(pause, then reaches for his ukulele, hidden behind the chair) Uke Juke will play.

JED
(grabbing his ukulele and getting up) I told you this was a good idea. Let’s rock.

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