The End Of The Internet, Vol. 1

Most people would argue that YouTube is actually the best thing online since slicedbread.com. I agree, but something about its awesomeness...makes me uncomfortable? Have we gone too far? Thus, the title of this recurring YouTube feature.

Today's video comes from Gorillaz' Manchester concert, a big video production. But it features none of those cute-ass cartoons that I've sickened of, but one piece of Demon Days I can't grow sick of. It is a hell of a stage setup, with one gigantic MFin' monitor, but due to the guest on this song, said monitor contains nothing but a fat black dude in a Knicks jersey and a metal mask. "November Has Come" f/ MF Doom. Dig it.

"Strange" (Boogiemonsters, Riders Of The Storm: The Underwater Album)

Fun Red Sox facts:

-"Soft-hitting" SS Alex Gonzalez is hitting at a slightly better batting average clip than David Ortiz, who himself is 2nd in the AL in homeruns, first in RBI. Alex Gonzalez is actually on a tear lately.

-We bust the shit out of Pedro Martinez. Which felt good, but also makes me feel...conflicted. Very conflicted.

-11 straight wins.

-Best defense in the American League? This hasn't happened in my lifetime. At least within any year in my lifetime I can remember.

-1986 doesn't seem painful in any way. It was twenty years ago, but without 2004, it wouldn't be so...easy to deal with, even to the point of YouTube humor, even with the results of this series so far. Heh. Wally Backman.

-Coco Crisp is starting to hit.

-We still bust the shit out of Pedro Martinez, with or without the Lastings Milledge error. Although the error was appreciated.

-The National League has no chance in 2006.

-The New York Yankees are really wounded. Miguel Cairo is in the starting lineup. This is like the part of the Civil War where it seemed the Union might lose.

-That doesn't make the Red Sox the Confederacy.

Oh no.

"Enough" (Gil Scott-Heron)

"Inspired" by the ongoing disaster that is the only NBA team I kinda root for, the New York Knicks (rooting interest for which I blame my roommate...and the catchy MSG Network theme song, which I am going to sample on a rap track someday soon), I wrote this sketch in five minutes on the train. I guess I was also inspired by the desire to kill Isiah Thomas, but other people have had that impulse. Michael Jordan, even.

MADISON SQUARE GARDEN, near the Knicks' bench

MONTAGE:

"Highlights" from the New York Knicks losing game after game played in traditional pregame video fashion, over "Eminence Front" by The Who. The starting lineup for the New York Knicks this night is announced: tonight, it's Nate Robinson, Stephon Marbury, Eddy Curry, David Lee, and Malik Rose. All are booed by the crowd when introduced, except David Lee and Nate Robinson.

STARBURY
Yo, Nate Dogg, D. Lee, why didn't they boo you?

NATE
I dunno. Because I'm 5' 8" and won the Slam Dunk Contest last year.

D. LEE
And me, well, I'm white.

STARBURY
Oh yeah.

ANNOUNCER
And YOUR head coach and general manager, the man who assembled YOUR 2005 New York Knicks, ISAAAAIIIAH THOOOOOMAS!

Boos get really, really loud. Isiah enters, seemingly oblivious to how much everyone hates him. Then the boos cease, very quickly. Isiah looks a little perturbed. Someone in the crowd throws a D battery, followed by another, and another, and another. Isiah lies on the ground, well-beyond dead. Crowd cheers, players applaud.

EDDY CURRY
That was amazing. I mean, clearly Isiah made a ridiculous trade when he acquired me. I'm saying, I'm good and all, but I have...

(Eddy Curry clutches his weak heart, the one that made the Chicago Bulls trade him. He falls dead. Crowd cheers again.)

D. LEE
This is getting kinda scary.

STARBURY
I'm getting the hell outta here.

MALIK ROSE
Stephon, look out!

(Starbury slips on the floor, lands on his head. He's dead. Crowd cheers louder than before.)

MALIK ROSE
I was gonna tell him they waxed that spot of the floor a little too much right there. Oh well, what are you gonna do?

ANNOUNCER
And now, please rise. Here to sing our national anthem, please welcome Def Jam Recordings artist D! M! X!

(DMX enters, stabs Malik Rose in the gut, barks a couple times, walks off, towards a microphone. Malik Rose falls dead. No one in the crowd seems to have noticed.)

D. LEE
Wow.

NATE
Yeah.

Beat.

NATE
I guess we really are the future of the team NOW!

D. LEE
Awesome!

They high five. DMX begins a painful rendition of "The Star-Spangled Banner" as the scene fades.

"Pretzel Logic" (Steely Dan, Pretzel Logic)

PAUL
What time is it?

CHUCK (looking at his watch)
1:55 in the mo'ning.

PAUL
No train.

JIM AND CHUCK
No.

PAUL
This is as bad as Boston.

JIM
Hey. Insult New York not. 9/11.

PAUL
That's tasteless.

JIM
9/11.

CHUCK
9/11.

JIM
It's been two months. Have you already forgotten?

CHUCK
Never forget.

JIM
Never forget.

PAUL
No, it's/

JIM
Paul, where were you when the world stopped turning?

Beat.

The world didn't stop spinning, no matter what Alan Jackson crooned to us in the fall of 2001. Maybe that was the problem. But maybe there's more to September 11th than rhe event itself, the jingoism, the temporary sense of unity, the Royal Irish Ass of one zealous member of the NYFD at the Concert for New York.

I'm not even sure how to explain that "more," the psychic damage, the more subtle shocks. All I meant to do when I started writing Waiting for the N in early September 2001 was write a funny play with a few jaded mid-20s guys talking shit and avoiding the fissures in their own lives while waiting on the N train. Then that event happened. Then the play started going in really odd directions. Then I threw it in a drawer for awhile, largely because I coudln't understand my own bizarre play. Then I took it out, dusted it off, moved more than a few words around, and found the pretzeled logic of it. And now it's gonna have a reading.

WAITING FOR THE N
a staged reading of a play by josh drimmer
directed by tom wojtunik
presented as part of Emerging Artists Theater's summer reading series
saturday, june 17th, 7 p.m.
at E.A.T., 311 W. 43rd Street, 5th Floor
FREE

"Bird" (Cymande, from the compilation The Message)

In the major leagues, the bird would be dead. Randy Johnson-style. Now that's a major league arm, kiddies.

Depressing Hip-Hop Lines #1

"De La Soul is here to stay like racism..." -Pos of De La Soul