"It's After The End Of The World" (Sun Ra, Space Is The Place Original Soundtrack)

Today's high in New York City: 69 degrees. One day from December. Radio was talking about another record high. Now, I have no particular feelings about the grandchildren I may never have, but...

Quoth Okkervil River, well,"We're fucked,...we're fucked...we're fucked."

But there's always a chance. Just a little.

"Ego Trippin'" (Ultramagnetic MCs, Critical Beatdown)

I meant to post this sketch without a home when Gary Sheffield was traded to the Dee-troit! Tigers (I don't get a good feeling about this one, Dombrowski, genius though you are). It's based off ridiculous quotes I can't find anymore and is two years old. But I'm lazy today; enjoy.

TIM MCCARVER
Gary Sheffield has a pair of the fastest hands in the game. So fast, in fact, that Gary says when he watches film of himself, he’s surprised himself.

GARY SHEFFIELD
When I watch the game films of my at-bats, y’know, and I see how fast I get my hands through the zone, y’know, it’s surprising, yeah. I mean, they whip through the zone. I’m not thinking about how fast my hands move when I’m at the plate, I’m just trying to hit the pitch. But my hands, y’know, they just move so…elegantly. Like two little ballerinas attached to my wrists. Like two cheetahs grafted to my elbows.
And then, when I watch my homeruns, y’know, on the game films, well, I don’t really get to admire my homeruns in the game. I’m just trying to not disrespect the sanctity of the game, just round the bases and let the crowd let me hear it. But the motion of those moon shots, y’know, it’s like watching the Eagle land. It’s like watching the World Trade Center towers fall…but, y’know, good. Those 450-foot shots are as much a part of American history as any shot in World War II. But I’m not aware of that, except, y’know, when I watch the film.
And sometimes I just look at myself in the mirror, and y’know, I don’t get to look at myself as much as, say, my wife, or the fans, or those who watch me on TV. I unfortunately have this condition that makes it impossible for me to, like, turn my eyeballs back upon myself and, like, admire my own countenance? But then, sometimes, I’m lucky enough to see my own image reflected, in a mirror or a similar reflecting surface. And, man, I really am a handsome man. My face could be as timeless as Cary Grant’s, really. Y’know, most of the time, I’m just going about my business, not thinking about the fact that every woman I pass is getting incredibly moist at just a quick glance at me. So, yeah, of course, that’s a surprise. Every day is a pleasant surprise. I love being me. I never know what new greatness I’ll find out about myself tomorrow. Me: it’s the best.

MCCARVER
Smarter men than me would have nothing to say either. Harry Carey, even. This…was Tim McCarver.

"John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt" (Traditional)

As a playwright and lover of odd names, the detail I noticed in this little bit of news off imdb might not have been the one that really stood out to most people:

Transgender Character To Be Introduced On 'All My Children'

Beginning on Thursday, ABC's All My Children will feature a transgender character named Zarf who is planning a sex-change operation. The Associated Press reports that although there have been a handful of post-surgical transgender characters who have appeared on TV shows, this is a first for a daytime drama.

Zarf? Let's just say this is not on the hot list of names I'm spinning up for my nephew-to-be. Rasputin, on the other hand, is #45 and climbing. This child will live forever and rule the world. Or at the very least, he'll get a hot disco track in his name.



...ohhhh those Russians. And yes, through Mom and Dad, I do in fact own this record. Ohhhh that Frank Farian. (R.I.P. Milli. Or Vanilli. Whatever.)

"Unbelievable" (The Notorious B.I.G., Ready To Die)

Thanks to Ryan McCormack, my ol' ASF partner in petty crime, for this. Or no thanks. I don't know if I'm richer or poorer for having seen this, really.

"All U Can Eat" (Fat Boys)

Matthew Schneider-Mayerson, Knicks fan extraordinaire, sent me this picture of plump center Eddy Curry the other day.



Which in turn, made him think of this old board game. But more than anything, it made me think of the NES Punch-Out!!, and the obese character who was basically substituting for another obese character from an arcade game.



We report, you decide, I'm going to Barcade tonight. Or perhaps just chilling at home with NEScafe for a bit.

Oh, and as far as the Fat Boys are concerned, they made it into one of my favoritest pieces ever, a Top 10 Hip-Hop Gimmicks piece written for Stylus Magazine. I miss Das EFX.

"Falling" (Dudley Perkins, A Lil Light)

I've already posted this Rolling Stone review of my obsession du jour, Joanna Newsom's Ys, but I think the comments are growing more and more worthwhile as a discussion of the irrelevance of this once-worthwhile publication. And there needn't even be excellence in the rock criticism world to make this wack shit irrelevant; people who don't even like the record are taking offense. AND the comments are better written than the review! Check-check it. And don't b-b-buy the magazine, b-b-baby.

happiness comes in small pieces

This does it for me. New Haven Ninjas forever.

EDIT: Image link went down, killing the point of this post. But it is here if ya click. Maybe I'll tell a Ninja tale later, especially if you ask Grandpa Josh pretty pretty please.

Movie Binge #4,081 (11/17/06)

It'd been awhile since I attempted an AMC Empire movie binge, and I just felt like blowing a Friday night seeing whatever.

For those who don't know, the AMC Empire, a 25-screen theater in Times Square, is the ultimate in reduced-cost movie-going. The proper method is seeing something that's on the Top of the Empire (where actual quality, indieish flicks are) and working your way downward on whims, trying not to be too picky about how much of a flick you see, or what it is. Act like you need to use the bathroom every floor you go to, go into 'em, dart out. Do NOT go into the main foyers where the concessions are. And, of course, wait for the movies to change over a bit unless you're truly obsessive and love seeing movies five or six times. (Advanced: use a newspaper to try to get some sense of when a movie might be beginning. If something is playing on one screen and you spot it, bullseye.)

I didn't properly prepare for this one by not eating dinner beforehand and failing to start from the top, but here's how it went. And oh yes, there will be spoilers. (Eh, not really.)


Borat

Man, did I want to like this movie more than I did. There were some utterly ridiculous sequences, especially the homoerotic shit, and it was great to see just how antisocial New York is. But waaay too much of the good stuff was in the trailers, the fictional stuff they used to string together the improvisational stuff was mainly tedious, excepting the Kazakhstan stuff. (The Pamela Anderson bit would have been a lot more fun if it wasn't as obviously staged as it was, too.) Plus, where was "Throw The Jew Down The Well"? Without a roaring audience to cue me, this grade would definitely be lower.

Grade: B-
[Grade rated off expectations: C]


Let's Go To Prison

Look, it was starting just around the corner from Borat (see: Do not be picky), and I didn't expect to watch the whole thing. And that's the strangest thing of all...I actually...watched the whole thing. Which says something unto itself. I can see why it didn't get screened for critics; prison = not funny. But just to have some game performers (Chi McBride goes all out, man) saves this to some extent.

All the same, as screenwriters, the former members of The State who wrote this, Thomas Lennon and Ben Garant and Michael Patrick Jann must die.

(Imagine this in a trailer: "From the people who brought you Herbie: Fully Loaded,, Taxi, and The Pacifier...! Better yet, don't. And curb yer enthusiasm for the upcoming Reno 911! movie while you're at it.)

Grade: D
[Grade rated off expectations: B-/C+]


Casino Royale

Fuck yeah. The James Bond people never really dealt with, the actual James Bond, the misanthropic, alcoholic, cold, cruel, womanizing Bond is in full effect. The script is way too tangled for its own good (Fleming's fault, but I'm arbitrarily going to blame Paul Haggis for what I'mma discuss next), but Daniel Craig continues a run of badassocity first notable in Layer Cake, and so much of what got tedious has been clipped. It's basically Bond Begins, and plays nicely off all your expectations of a Bond movie. Best line of this:

BARTENDER
Do you want that martini shaken or stirred?

BOND
Do I look like I give a damn?

This movie isn't as good as I'm rating it. The restarting of the series is what I'm psyched for.

Grade: A-/B+

...
...
Still, I'd be remiss as a card player in not talking about how inane the poker is in this movie. And I'm a sucker for cards in a movie. Two hands come to mind.

Four Jacks v. Aces full of Kings

Straight flush v. Aces full of sixes v. aces full of [I can't remember, something lower] v. flush. (Four-handed, somehow, to the river.)

Four handed to the river would be ridiculous enough. What's worse is, in both these hands, the players involved are berated for being in situations where losing your money is just inevitable, and for all talk of Bond being able to read players, this shit is nothing but pure (good and bad) luck. Sorta like the opening of Rounders, a full house versus a bigger full house.

Sure, the ending of The Cincinnati Kid, my favorite poker movie, is absolutely ridiculous. But all the same, when you've got a villain you're claiming is a math whiz, putting this many 0.00000000000001% hands in one poker game is bananas and walnuts.

Now it's time to play dumb Full Tilt freerolls. Unless anyone wants to stake me. Please?

"Big Pimpin'" (Jay-Z, Vol. 3: Life and Times of S. Carter)

Rest in peace, Ed Bradley. Video of some of his best reporting here. Check the Fall of Saigon clip: not only great reporting, but...well, let's just say I wish I lived in the 70s.

No context here.

rejected metal band names.

In the spirit of yesterday's recycled post...

Tableau of Terror
Skullhead
Fist Full Of Blood and Rock As Well
Mutley Crue
Death Comedy Jam
Creeping Death
Creepy Neighbor
Jeeperscreepers
Army of Rockness
Goat Head Soup Nazis
Hectares of Hate (European band, of course)
And You Will Notice Our Trail Of Fat Groupies Please Stop Them From Getting Backstage
I Love You But I've Chosen Darkness*
Blood Drive
Bonestorm+
Playg#
Metallurgica

(Thanks to Jonah for contributions/helping spin these up.)

*Actual band name. They're not bad either.
+Is that second slang meaning for Bonestorm real?
#Because they PLAY music and rock you! Like a plague! Get it?!

A Few Days Later: Ys by Joanna Newsom

(See previous one-minute review for context of this.)

A few days later, I'm still deciphering Newsom's lyrics, but as far as the record is concerned, this shit is brilliant. Indescribable as this set of suites is (and deep as I am into a new draft of an old script), I won't go beyond that. But it's out today: you still might want to sample "Emily" or one of the other tracks online (live performances are also up on YouTube) before you pick this up because people will be beyond divided on this. My prognosis though, is simply this: it might not be genius, but there is genius in this record, and there ain't much of that to go around.

and now, your clinton attache clip of the day: "I Want You Back" (Jackson 5, Diana Ross Presents The Jackson 5)

From the high school that brought you "Hollywood Swingin'" with the Hollywood but not the swingin' comes "I Want You Back" in a really strange low register. To my credit, even in the lamest high school musicals in the lamest roles, I never had to wear anything as silly as those jackets, and even those aren't really as silly as the shiny backgrounds. The professionalism of Clinton Attache is what really kills me.

No, wait. Clinton Attache doing anything R&B is what kills me. I'd kill to hear them do Parliament.

"Hollywood Swinging" (Kool And The Gang)

Okay, admittedly I would have really dug singing old Kool and the Gang* in my high school choir, but this is bananas. And walnuts. This is about as funky as a clean batch of whites fresh from the cleaners. That is to say, not very. Dude singing "I went to a theater" in a ridiculous "dramatic" whisper reminds me of a kid at my high school who got all the lead parts in the high school musicals; on my grave, I may very well regret not kicking that kid's annoying ass as much as anything I actually did do in my life. They're all just trying so, so hard. And there's nothing easier to make fun of than trying...stuff.



*Reminder: "Kool and the Gang" on this blog is not the same group of the same group that reappeared with an actual lead singer and a shitty new sound in the 1980s. A group that was about as funky as this video. Which is, again, not very.

"Bust A Move" (Young MC)

In-depth research I discovered. This took dedication.

"All Things Must Pass" (George Harrison, All Things Must Pass)

Just wanted to inform all that the Isthmus, an old SNR blog, is going off-line tomorrow. There's a few funny things in there. Check it out before it can't be checked.

most insignificant post ever.

Just wanted to note that Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban looks like the devil in this picture. We report, you decide.